My liver just broke up with me...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize