where am i from again
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
