Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
