i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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