It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
