sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
