I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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