Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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