I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
