i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
