I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
