I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
