I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
