There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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