That's intense
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
