tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Your cock deserves a montage
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
