I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
