I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
