I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So apparently I’m into choking now
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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