dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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