Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
