I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
