I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just google imaged poop.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
