I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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