Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He has the fingertips of a God
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
