i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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