Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
