I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
