if you like me you must not know who I am
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize