So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
