I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
