My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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