Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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