Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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