PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
