I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
