Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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