The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
