So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
