i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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