The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
