i was born a porn star she said
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
