Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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