Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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