dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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