I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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