I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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