I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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