Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
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