Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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