I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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