I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
