I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
