Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
