I wish my penis had an off switch
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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