i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
