i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
