my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
