Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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