i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
