I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
