I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
