It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
