woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
